One year ago today I left S-Jean-Pied-de-Port and began to climb the Pyrenees Mountains to cross the Spanish border on foot. The beginning of an 800km journey to Santiago de Compostela, also known as St.James Under a Field of Stars. Sounds very romantic and mysterious huh? Well, it was both and neither of those things at the same time. Aside from keeping a little journal whilst on my pilgrimage I haven’t written about it until this day. It has all seemed too complicated and wonderful to put into words.
How do you do justice to such a long and life changing journey? I’m not sure that I can, but I’ll give it a go.
Somewhere along 'the Way'
They say you are ‘called’ to the Camino. Religious pilgrims see this as a divine calling, I felt it more of an intuitive one. It was a calling which came in the throws of heartbreak and burnout. Unable to move from the couch, I watched endless vlogs on youtube of other people's journeys on ‘the way’, trying to assess if I had the resolve to accomplish such a monumental task. After about a week of obsessive youtube research I decided to start training. I had been staying at my parents home, in my childhood bedroom, and had retreated to somewhat of a teenager; moody, lazy and isolated. But, as I began to train I noticed a shift in my outlook on the world (and it wasn’t just the endorphins that come from walking 10-15km per day.)
I began to notice signs, woo-woo signs, that indicated I was on the right path. I suddenly noticed that the walking track which runs parallel to our street toward a collection of local shops colloquially known as “The Blue Moon” has a DIY sign nailed to one of the mammoth pine trees that reads “El Camino de Blue Moon.” I must have walked past that sign countless times before but had never noticed it. Along this path I also encountered several white butterflies that flew straight into my chest as I walked. You could say they flew straight into my heart. This was not a once off encounter, this happened several days in a row. I’m not a religious woman but I decided it was a good omen. I was on the right path.
Day 1 - The Pyrenees
Two months later I set off from Australia. After five agonising days in Paris, hoping that my French ex-boyfriend would appear in a swoon worthy, grand romantic gesture in the city of love, I boarded a train to St-Jean-Pied-de-Port. I was ready to literally walk out of the country as a F**k you to my ex who, shocker, did not appear in a swoon worthy, grand romantic gesture. Hearing French everywhere was irritating me to no end, and as daunting as the Pyrenees looked, I couldn’t wait to set off.
The Spanish Border
Walking 20-30kms day after day is as gruelling as you might expect and I very seriously considered quitting. The beginning of the journey was tough. I was tired and cranky and still just as miserable as when I left Australia. What was stopping me from jumping on a train and soaking up some sun on the Costa del Sol? Why am I torturing myself like this? What a stupid waste of precious days in the Schengen Zone! That all changed the day I cheated.
Somewhere along the 'the Way'
Day 10 and still feeling down I walked 21kms from Estella to Los Arcos and the sun was pelting down, testing my resolve with every step. I stopped in Los Arcos for a cold drink and I could see the small town of Sansol across the plain. I had already booked and paid for a bed in Sansol but I simply couldn’t bear the thought of walking another 7kms in the punishing sun with no shade in sight. So I caught a bus. Some may say I cheated, I say it was the best decision I ever made and the turning point for my Camino.
Had I pushed myself to walk the final 7kms I know that I would have arrived in a foul mood and I would not have been receptive to the magic that unfolded that evening. Sansol is where I met the rambunctious crew who became my Camino family. Our connection was instant and the four of us walked all the way to Santiago and on to Finisterre together. I’ve never met a group of people who I could so immediately let my guard down with and truly be myself. Although, there was always a little voice in my head telling me that I was the odd one out, the disposable one, the one holding them back and the one that would ultimately be ditched when push came to shove. I’ve always had crippling self doubt and a nagging fear that I don’t really fit in anywhere and probably never will. I’m happy to say that this feeling dissipated throughout the journey. It’s never fully left me and maybe never will but I think sometimes we all feel like everyone else is out having fun and we’re the weirdo no one wanted to invite.
The Fab Four. My Camino Family
They say the Camino gives you what you need, not what you want. What I wanted was closure, purpose and freedom. I think I found all three, but I also discovered blind spots, areas where I struggled to communicate, jealousy, love and vulnerability. I met parts of myself I didn’t know existed, and to be honest, I didn’t always like what I found. I reacted to situations and conversations in unexpected ways. I felt seen and heard.
Finisterre at the 00km Marker
What I’ve found since completing the Camino is that I now move through the world with a new found quiet confidence. I have a quieter mind that is far less consumed with the judgments of others, fewer expectations, and a sense of comfort that the Camino will always be there when I need it.
It’s there for you too.
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